Case of the winter blues

Bah humbug. It's the last day of November, and I sit here wondering where it went. Working, working, working. After I get home from the restaurant, all I want to do is relax, and I tend to do so with a bottle of wine. Or it's 2 am when I get home and all I want to do is sleep. I feel like I don't have a life anymore. And the blessing and the curse is that I live at Haymarket, where a life isn't really necessary. I have 13 other people in the house to amuse me. I love living here, I love my housemates, but....I miss my friends. I miss going out with my friends. I miss dressing up in crazy costumes and going to parties, I miss lake houses and beaches and mountains and Canada and yummy herbs and good, ol' northwest peeps. Lately I've been feeling like I'm living in some self-imposed exile, and I find myself wondering why. Why am I here? What is my purpose? I feel like my purpose was to grow some roots somewhere other than the place I grew up, to learn a bunch about co-ops, and the thing I didn't expect, to have a rekindled passion for activist and non-profit work. But now that I've achieved these things, I feel restless. Bored. Kind of lonely. Sometimes I feel like I'm missing out on stuff back home. And I can't wait to go back! I just want to be surrounded by my friends. Granted, I have friends here, but they are all co-workers or housemates. And that's all fine and dandy, but I need more. I need Jessica and Karen and Alex and Zach and Jack and all the people I've grown closest to over the past 10 years. I miss them, and cannot live without them.

So....I'm leaving Chicago. When? I don't know. Maybe in March? I'm not quite ready to leave, yet. I'd like to pay off more of my credit card while I have a job, since once I leave here I will be unemployed for an indeterminate amount of time. Hopefully it will give me a chance to catch up on my writing and art. You know, I took a mindless job in a restaurant so I would have time for art and writing....and it just doesn't happen as often as I'd like. And, it's getting really effin cold and windy here, neither of which makes for ideal conditions for spinning fire (outside) or blowing glass (in the shed with the door open for ventilation). So here I sit, in the common room, doing random board stuff and trying to figure out why I feel so lonely and what I'm doing in Chicago, so far away from my family and friends. Am I just causing myself unnecessary pain? Most people who hail from faraway lands that are living in Chicago are doing so for a reason. School usually, for others, it could be the blues scene. For me, it was the lure of the city energy, the diversity, the co-op. But there are other co-ops! In Washington even! And, now I feel confident enough to start my own.

I would leave Chicago right now, except for that I want to pay off more of my credit card, and I still have to find someone to take over my lease, which runs through August.

Now the question is, will coming back to Washington for a while take care of this lonely feeling? Or will it bring up old feelings of restlessness and being trapped? I seem to remember last time I lived in Washington, all I wanted to do is leave it. Now, let's get one thing straight here. I am not moving back to Washington. I am going to come back and visit for a month or so, then head on to New Orleans, and at some point in the near future, Portland. I've been planning on Portland for a while now, and I do believe that it's time. I think that I had to do this midwest thing so I could appreciate just how wonderful and amazing the pacific northwest really is. And especially Portland. It's within a days drive of all my family and friends, and it's (hopefully) far enough away from my hometown to make me feel like I've escaped.