I was initially introduced to Capoeira a few years back in Chicago. My roommate BJ took classes at Gingarte Capoiera. I was just getting into spinning poi, and had seen videos of this guy, Zan, who does these crazy kicks and flips during while spinning. It reminded me of the Capoeira BJ did, and I began thinking of all the ways I could improve my poi. Capoeira seemed like it would really help. But I was busy with a million other things and it remained just a thought in my head.
Then I moved to Seattle and started working at Wasabi. Here Capoeira came up again. This time, in the form of a co-worker, Ninona. I told her I had always been interested, and she encouraged me to come. But it wasn't until almost a year later when a I was at a BBQ at her house and got to watch them play Capoiera in a roda (meaning circle, pronounced "hoe-da"). I was instantly captivated by the things they could do with their bodies. The flips and handstands and kicks and twirls and I don't even know what. The closest thing I could compare it to was break dancing, which indeed grew out of Capoeira.
At work the following week, I mentioned again to Ninona how interested I was. We made plans to go to class together that Wednesday night. It was intense and slightly intimidating, but really good. It was a big class that night, almost 20 people. We worked our bodies HARD. I tried to keep up but spent much of the class feeling slow, awkward, and slightly confused. But I tried.
My entire body was sore for days afterward. I realized what a great workout it was, and decided that Capoeira would be how I would get my body toned and in shape. I had already lost a lot of weight over the past year as I learned more and more about nutrition and how to have a balanced plant-based diet. Now my goal is to get in the best shape of my life. I want to push my body, be able to scale a vertical rock face and summit mountains and ride my bike 200+ miles. I realized that Capoeira could help me reach this goal.
I managed to go to another class the following week, a morning class. This one was much less intimidating, only 5 students. I got much more personalized attention and picked up on some moves faster. Very slow still, but faster than my first class.
I began to realize that there was something more important happening here. That I was recognizing personal barriers that I had set up for myself, such as being intimidated by performing in front of large groups of people, and of doing something in public I don't have a lot of confidence in. Every time I try something new, and in front of everyone no less, I feel these walls being chipped away at. I hope that eventually I will chip it enough that one day, the wall will crack spider web style and just fall away. And I will be free. Free to not be afraid anymore. Afraid of looking silly, like I don't know what I'm doing, afraid of what people will think, afraid I'm doing it wrong, afraid of so many little insignificant things.
The best advice I've gotten in Capoiera so far was from a fellow student, Michael. A tall and heavily muscled man with smooth dark skin and a playful demeanor, he and others had to practically push me into the roda to play. He smiled as they did so, saying, "No fear, no fear." It wasn't until a day later that I began thinking of the significance of that comment. And how right he was. Have no fear. Don't be afraid of what the others in the roda are thinking, don't be afraid of doing something "wrong" or badly. Everyone in this community is supportive and encouraging and want to see me succeed. Having my friend Jessi in class today helped me to see what I was like in my last class, hesitant to try the things I learned during that days class. Hesitant to try them in front of everyone, in a quick-thinking-on-your-feet situation. Sometimes I feel like I forget everything I learned the second I step in the roda and make eye contact with the person I'm playing with. But today was a bit easier. I can feel the walls beginning to crumble.
I want to learn more, and so I went on Mestre Curisco's website and read about "The Art of Capoiera." It was very interesting, but what inspired this post was the following line, which as soon as I read I knew that it was the reason I was led to Capoeira in the first place: "Today, Capoeira is practiced on every continent and continues to gain recognition as a means of liberation from the barriers people impose on themselves."
I will be participating in the Batizado this year. I want to be "baptized" into this community, receive a belt and meet other Capoeiristas, especially new ones. I want to remind myself that it's okay to be new at something. It's okay to try new things in a public setting. That no one is going to laugh at me. Unless I am laughing with them :)
Friday, July 10, 2009
Thursday, July 9, 2009
No fear
“All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think we become.” -Buddha
NO FEAR. Remind yourself this every day, every moment, every time the anxiety threatens to push up and out, remember, 'there are very few monsters who warrant the fear we have of them' (Andre Gide). There is nothing to be afraid of. When you realize that every worry and stress you have stems from some kind of fear, fear of rejection, of being wrong, of what people will think, everything becomes clear. You can look rationally at every situation and think, how silly it is that I fear this. This is not something to fear. It is my new mantra. My "Om Mani Padme Hum." Reminding myself to have "No fear" will release and free my soul.
“Fear less, hope more; Eat less, chew more; Whine less, breathe more; Talk less, say more; Love more, and all good things will be yours”
“The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.” Mark twain
“Ultimately we know deeply that the other side of every fear is freedom.” -Marilyn Ferguson
“The whole secret of existence is to have no fear. Never fear what will become of you, depend on no one. Only the moment you reject all help are you freed.” -Buddha
"If you are dealing with fears and insecurities from old head programs, have compassion for yourself. Just love your insecurities, fears and resentments. Release and forgive them as they come up. Judging, beating or repressing insecurities just gives them power. Then you have a pattern that never gets resolved. Recognize that your real security is built from your relationship with your own heart." -Sara Paddison, The Hidden Power of the Heart
"Fear is only as deep as the mind allows" -Japenese proverb
"The things which we fear the most in life have already happend to us." -Robin Williams, One Hour Photo
"Clarity is obtained when you can separate your sleep dreams, your fears, your fantasies and your reality." -P.J. Varsalona
"Taking a new step, uttering a new word, is what people fear most." -Dostoyevsky
FEAR:
F--FALSE
E--EVIDENCE
A--APPEARING
R—REAL
-Veer Sharma
"Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood." -Marie Curie
"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself. "I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along."" -Elenor Roosevelt, You Learn By Living
"You can discover what your enemy fears most by observing the means he uses to frighten you." -Eric Hoffer
"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear." -Ambrose Redmoon
"It was a high counsel that I once heard given to a young person, "Always do what you are afraid to do." -Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Courage is not the absence of fear, it is the conquest of it." -Anonymous
"Courage is doing what you're afraid to do. There can be no courage unless you're scared." -Eddie Rickenbacher
"I count him braver who overcomes his desires than him who conquers his enemies, for the hardest victory is over self." -Aristotle
"The bravest thing you can do when you are not brave is to profess courage and act accordingly." -Corra Harris
***I agree! My motto for a long time has been: "Fake it till you make it." If you act brave and confident and happy eventually you will feel it too :)
"The bravest sight in the world is to see a great man struggling against adversity." -Lucius Annaeus Seneca
"To dream anything that you want to dream. That is the beauty of the human mind. To do anything that you want to do. That is the strength of the human will. To trust yourself to test your limits. That is the courage to succeed." -Bernard Edmonds
"There are very few monsters who warrant the fear we have of them." -Andre Gide
"We must face what we fear; that is the case of the core of the restoration of health." -Max Lerner
"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain." - Frank Herbert, Dune. Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear
"Learn the art of patience. Apply discipline to your thoughts when they become anxious over the outcome of a goal. Impatience breeds anxiety, fear, discouragement and failure. Patience creates confidence, decisiveness and a rational outlook, which eventually leads to success." - Brian Adams
"The bravest are surely those who have the clearest vision of what is before them, glory and danger alike, and yet notwithstanding go out to meet it." - Thucydides.
"Anything I've ever done that ultimately was worthwhile... initially scared me to death." - Betty Bender
"The fear of being wrong is the prime inhibitor of the creative process." - Jean Bryant
"The conquest of fear lies in the moment of its acceptance." - Unknown
"Anxiety is the poison of human life; the parent of many sins and of more miseries. In a world where everything is doubtful, and where we may be disappointed, and be blessed in disappointment, why this restless stir and commotion of mind? Can it alter the cause, or unravel the mystery of human events?" - Tyron Edwards
"If I can endure for this minute whatever is happening to me No matter how heavy my heart is or how dark the moment might be... If I can but keep on believing what I know in my heart to be true, That darkness will fade with morning and that this will pass away, too... Then nothing can ever disturb me or fill me with uncertain fear, For as sure as night brings dawning, my morning is bound to appear..." - Unknown
"Remember that everyone you meet is afraid of something, loves something and has lost something." -H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
NO FEAR. Remind yourself this every day, every moment, every time the anxiety threatens to push up and out, remember, 'there are very few monsters who warrant the fear we have of them' (Andre Gide). There is nothing to be afraid of. When you realize that every worry and stress you have stems from some kind of fear, fear of rejection, of being wrong, of what people will think, everything becomes clear. You can look rationally at every situation and think, how silly it is that I fear this. This is not something to fear. It is my new mantra. My "Om Mani Padme Hum." Reminding myself to have "No fear" will release and free my soul.
“Fear less, hope more; Eat less, chew more; Whine less, breathe more; Talk less, say more; Love more, and all good things will be yours”
“The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.” Mark twain
“Ultimately we know deeply that the other side of every fear is freedom.” -Marilyn Ferguson
“The whole secret of existence is to have no fear. Never fear what will become of you, depend on no one. Only the moment you reject all help are you freed.” -Buddha
"If you are dealing with fears and insecurities from old head programs, have compassion for yourself. Just love your insecurities, fears and resentments. Release and forgive them as they come up. Judging, beating or repressing insecurities just gives them power. Then you have a pattern that never gets resolved. Recognize that your real security is built from your relationship with your own heart." -Sara Paddison, The Hidden Power of the Heart
"Fear is only as deep as the mind allows" -Japenese proverb
"The things which we fear the most in life have already happend to us." -Robin Williams, One Hour Photo
"Clarity is obtained when you can separate your sleep dreams, your fears, your fantasies and your reality." -P.J. Varsalona
"Taking a new step, uttering a new word, is what people fear most." -Dostoyevsky
FEAR:
F--FALSE
E--EVIDENCE
A--APPEARING
R—REAL
-Veer Sharma
"Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood." -Marie Curie
"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself. "I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along."" -Elenor Roosevelt, You Learn By Living
"You can discover what your enemy fears most by observing the means he uses to frighten you." -Eric Hoffer
"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear." -Ambrose Redmoon
"It was a high counsel that I once heard given to a young person, "Always do what you are afraid to do." -Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Courage is not the absence of fear, it is the conquest of it." -Anonymous
"Courage is doing what you're afraid to do. There can be no courage unless you're scared." -Eddie Rickenbacher
"I count him braver who overcomes his desires than him who conquers his enemies, for the hardest victory is over self." -Aristotle
"The bravest thing you can do when you are not brave is to profess courage and act accordingly." -Corra Harris
***I agree! My motto for a long time has been: "Fake it till you make it." If you act brave and confident and happy eventually you will feel it too :)
"The bravest sight in the world is to see a great man struggling against adversity." -Lucius Annaeus Seneca
"To dream anything that you want to dream. That is the beauty of the human mind. To do anything that you want to do. That is the strength of the human will. To trust yourself to test your limits. That is the courage to succeed." -Bernard Edmonds
"There are very few monsters who warrant the fear we have of them." -Andre Gide
"We must face what we fear; that is the case of the core of the restoration of health." -Max Lerner
"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain." - Frank Herbert, Dune. Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear
"Learn the art of patience. Apply discipline to your thoughts when they become anxious over the outcome of a goal. Impatience breeds anxiety, fear, discouragement and failure. Patience creates confidence, decisiveness and a rational outlook, which eventually leads to success." - Brian Adams
"The bravest are surely those who have the clearest vision of what is before them, glory and danger alike, and yet notwithstanding go out to meet it." - Thucydides.
"Anything I've ever done that ultimately was worthwhile... initially scared me to death." - Betty Bender
"The fear of being wrong is the prime inhibitor of the creative process." - Jean Bryant
"The conquest of fear lies in the moment of its acceptance." - Unknown
"Anxiety is the poison of human life; the parent of many sins and of more miseries. In a world where everything is doubtful, and where we may be disappointed, and be blessed in disappointment, why this restless stir and commotion of mind? Can it alter the cause, or unravel the mystery of human events?" - Tyron Edwards
"If I can endure for this minute whatever is happening to me No matter how heavy my heart is or how dark the moment might be... If I can but keep on believing what I know in my heart to be true, That darkness will fade with morning and that this will pass away, too... Then nothing can ever disturb me or fill me with uncertain fear, For as sure as night brings dawning, my morning is bound to appear..." - Unknown
"Remember that everyone you meet is afraid of something, loves something and has lost something." -H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Writing through the writers block
Feeling the urge to write today, although I'm not sure yet what about.
I had my second Capoeira class today. It was soooo good. Last week I was sore for 3-4 days afterward. It's a total body workout. I hurt in muscles that I hadn't used in year, some I didn't know I had. And it felt delicious. Now I need to start learning Portuguese so I can follow along in class better. I must say that I am excited to learn more about a culture that I am sort of a part of. I say sort of because while I am part Portuguese, my family is from the Azores off the coast of Portugal, not Brazil. I would love to visit both and compare.
I have been in a weird sort of funk lately. It's been like the tides, although nowhere near as steady. The winter was isolated, Noah and I both holed up and were fairly anti-social for most of the cold season. But once it started to get warm, we began to come out of our concrete box and into the sunlight. We've been getting outside as much as we can, going on walks, meeting friends, and trying yummy new food (Habesha-amazing Ethiopian!).
I felt great after my yoga detox retreat. And felt great for weeks afterward. But then I began to sink into some old routines, and the glow faded. Lately my body has been feeling very bogged down, not a lot of energy, kind of anxious and almost angry at times. I need to make better health choices. I felt really good after last weeks Capoeira class, and feel awesome today too. I just have to keep going, every chance I get. I have to go to at least 2 a week to make my unlimited class membership worth it. Wed/Fri mornings and Sat afternoons will probably work very well for me.
Okay, I should really work now.
I had my second Capoeira class today. It was soooo good. Last week I was sore for 3-4 days afterward. It's a total body workout. I hurt in muscles that I hadn't used in year, some I didn't know I had. And it felt delicious. Now I need to start learning Portuguese so I can follow along in class better. I must say that I am excited to learn more about a culture that I am sort of a part of. I say sort of because while I am part Portuguese, my family is from the Azores off the coast of Portugal, not Brazil. I would love to visit both and compare.
I have been in a weird sort of funk lately. It's been like the tides, although nowhere near as steady. The winter was isolated, Noah and I both holed up and were fairly anti-social for most of the cold season. But once it started to get warm, we began to come out of our concrete box and into the sunlight. We've been getting outside as much as we can, going on walks, meeting friends, and trying yummy new food (Habesha-amazing Ethiopian!).
I felt great after my yoga detox retreat. And felt great for weeks afterward. But then I began to sink into some old routines, and the glow faded. Lately my body has been feeling very bogged down, not a lot of energy, kind of anxious and almost angry at times. I need to make better health choices. I felt really good after last weeks Capoeira class, and feel awesome today too. I just have to keep going, every chance I get. I have to go to at least 2 a week to make my unlimited class membership worth it. Wed/Fri mornings and Sat afternoons will probably work very well for me.
Okay, I should really work now.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Pensive thoughts
The ebb and flow of life never ceases to amaze me. Every time life begins to settle into a routine, something comes along and throws a stick in your gears, causing you to fly headfirst over the handlebars and straight into something you never expected. The friends you had yesterday are strangers today. The strangers of yesterday are now friends. Following ones path and allowing life to happen can be easier than you think. Sometimes you just have to take a deep breath and just let things happen.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Testing, testing, 1, 2, 3
I'm testing out some things I was thinking of adding to our website. One is a live chat Plugoo widget, and the other is a clock with local time in the destination country. Here is the clock, with local Bangkok time:
Bangkok |
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Following my path...making some turns....but always toward the same destination
This is the first time in my life where I truly feel like an adult. I have a job that I enjoy, that makes me feel happy at the end of the day. I am referred to as a colleague. I am no longer merely an "employee" that is looked down upon by upper management, but as a valued member of a team.
It's a great feeling.
Now if I could just get more commissions coming in I could quit my night job and join the rest of society during normal business hours.
I know I've changed a little. But not a lot. Sure, last summer I didn't own a single pair of heels, jeans, or a nice jacket, didn't drink coffee and slept all day. Now I work 16 hour days in heels, fueled by multiple cups of coffee, clothed in unfamiliar clothes. Kind of. I've been trying to blend my bohemian-hippie style with a more professional style, and it has kind of turned into what Noah calls "avant-garde artsty chic". I like it :)
My priorities have not changed either. At least, not long-term. My life goals are still the same: travel the world, be a nomad (with a home base), go to grad school, study glass and poi and anything else creative. But in the short-term, I need to pay off my debt and save money to enable me to achieve those long-term goals-and shouldn't I do it in a way that fulfills me? Even if I never see Noah anymore :( I keep telling myself-and him-that it won't be like this forever. Eventually the commissions will be steady and I can quit Wasabi.
I don't believe I mentioned what my new job is. Well, I'm the Director for Southeast Asia Travel for a local travel company here in Seattle. I feel like it blends my interests (and skills) in a way that no other job ever has. I believe in what we do, and I enjoy my job. It might not be the best time to be selling travel, but we will see. All I can do is give my best, and expect the best.
And that's just what I'm doing.
It's a great feeling.
Now if I could just get more commissions coming in I could quit my night job and join the rest of society during normal business hours.
I know I've changed a little. But not a lot. Sure, last summer I didn't own a single pair of heels, jeans, or a nice jacket, didn't drink coffee and slept all day. Now I work 16 hour days in heels, fueled by multiple cups of coffee, clothed in unfamiliar clothes. Kind of. I've been trying to blend my bohemian-hippie style with a more professional style, and it has kind of turned into what Noah calls "avant-garde artsty chic". I like it :)
My priorities have not changed either. At least, not long-term. My life goals are still the same: travel the world, be a nomad (with a home base), go to grad school, study glass and poi and anything else creative. But in the short-term, I need to pay off my debt and save money to enable me to achieve those long-term goals-and shouldn't I do it in a way that fulfills me? Even if I never see Noah anymore :( I keep telling myself-and him-that it won't be like this forever. Eventually the commissions will be steady and I can quit Wasabi.
I don't believe I mentioned what my new job is. Well, I'm the Director for Southeast Asia Travel for a local travel company here in Seattle. I feel like it blends my interests (and skills) in a way that no other job ever has. I believe in what we do, and I enjoy my job. It might not be the best time to be selling travel, but we will see. All I can do is give my best, and expect the best.
And that's just what I'm doing.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Hero of the Day: Bruce Elliott
Bruce Elliott, for his "Nude Governor Series".
A Chicago painter, Bruce paints for fun. He doesn't care if anyone likes his work. He mentioned (sarcastically?) that's he's kind of like Van Gogh, not appreciated in his time. But he says he can live with that. Especially, he says, when your wife owns a bar.
Bruce came under fire for his nude painting of Sarah Palin for being about a woman and a Republican.
His response? A second installment. And this time, about a man and a Democrat, entitled, "Cavity Search," starring a nude Rod Blagojevich.
Both paintings will be on display in his wife's bar, The Old Town Ale House.
Check out the Chicago Tribune's story here. Make sure you watch the video!!
Bruce came under fire for his nude painting of Sarah Palin for being about a woman and a Republican.
His response? A second installment. And this time, about a man and a Democrat, entitled, "Cavity Search," starring a nude Rod Blagojevich.
Both paintings will be on display in his wife's bar, The Old Town Ale House.
Check out the Chicago Tribune's story here. Make sure you watch the video!!
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Update
Living with Noah: Wonderful :) I love our life.
The Apartment: Amazing, except for the rampant 8 am construction occurring on scaffolding outside my window. That's right. We thought we'd gotten away from the construction, but no, it just followed us. So I wake up every morning to what sounds like someone taking a jackhammer to my concrete ceiling.
I'm so tired.
But on the upside, I've been taking meeting lots of new people in the neighborhood, mostly people from work, and been taking glass classes. I just finished Glass Blowing 1, and now am taking a Boro techniques class. Pictures of some finished work soon to come.
I made my first pair of fire poi. I LOVE THEM. I wasn't practicing on a regular basis for a few months, and it was beginning to show. So I've been putting in daily practice and can feel myself getting back in the groove. I'm going to take a belly dancing class and a capoiera class to improve my performance too.
I figure that since I have to stay put for a while to work and pay off some bills, I might as well do everything that I can't normally do on the road. Like take classes. Be super domestic create a comfortable home. Apply to graduate school. That's a big one. I'm definitely applying to Chatham University for my MFA in Creative Writing. I would kind of like to do the full-time residency program, but I think I will just do the low-residency one, that way Noah and I have options when it comes to where we want to live or if we want to travel for an extended period of time. He wants to put in at least 2 years at a job before we take off for a while. We're hoping he gets a good full-time offer from the place he's contracting at right now.
I can't put into words how happy I am that I met Noah. I feel like I can see how my entire life has led up to him. While it's amazing we never met when we were young, it could have only happened this way. It was perfect. It was like we were unknowingly drawn together, like a divine hand caused our paths to converge that morning. I can't believe that it was just chance. I don't really think that anything is chance.
I look forward to a long life with this man. I just want to make him happier than he's ever been. Because he not only makes me happy, I am better because of him.
The Apartment: Amazing, except for the rampant 8 am construction occurring on scaffolding outside my window. That's right. We thought we'd gotten away from the construction, but no, it just followed us. So I wake up every morning to what sounds like someone taking a jackhammer to my concrete ceiling.
I'm so tired.
But on the upside, I've been taking meeting lots of new people in the neighborhood, mostly people from work, and been taking glass classes. I just finished Glass Blowing 1, and now am taking a Boro techniques class. Pictures of some finished work soon to come.
I made my first pair of fire poi. I LOVE THEM. I wasn't practicing on a regular basis for a few months, and it was beginning to show. So I've been putting in daily practice and can feel myself getting back in the groove. I'm going to take a belly dancing class and a capoiera class to improve my performance too.
I figure that since I have to stay put for a while to work and pay off some bills, I might as well do everything that I can't normally do on the road. Like take classes. Be super domestic create a comfortable home. Apply to graduate school. That's a big one. I'm definitely applying to Chatham University for my MFA in Creative Writing. I would kind of like to do the full-time residency program, but I think I will just do the low-residency one, that way Noah and I have options when it comes to where we want to live or if we want to travel for an extended period of time. He wants to put in at least 2 years at a job before we take off for a while. We're hoping he gets a good full-time offer from the place he's contracting at right now.
I can't put into words how happy I am that I met Noah. I feel like I can see how my entire life has led up to him. While it's amazing we never met when we were young, it could have only happened this way. It was perfect. It was like we were unknowingly drawn together, like a divine hand caused our paths to converge that morning. I can't believe that it was just chance. I don't really think that anything is chance.
I look forward to a long life with this man. I just want to make him happier than he's ever been. Because he not only makes me happy, I am better because of him.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
I left my heart in Black Rock City
I woke up with the realization that I am not going to Black Rock City this year. And it made me really sad. I think that today was the first time that it really sunk in. I distracted myself with Shambhala, but today is the day that everyone who didn't leave yesterday left. I'm just really sad that I won't be there for most of my friends virgin burns. At the same time, I'm totally excited to go with everyone next year, where no one will be a virgin. And I'm excited to go with Noah next year. This time we can really plan, and do some great stuff out there. And, of course, I'm excited to just share the experience with him.
I'm going to start making and collecting stuff for the burn next year. Making plans for everything, food, camp, people, transport, everything. Maybe I'll buy a little trailer or something. *Spends 15 minutes looking at buses, vans and shuttles on craigslist.org.
What I'm really excited for, however, is to move into Noah and I's new place. I've moved all my stuff to his building, but it's in storage for now. No point in unpacking things I have to move in a week and a half. We're hopefully moving on the 3, at least by the 5. Our new apartment is going to be soooo nice! It's a one bedroom on the 16th floor, so we have a view of downtown. I feel like we're going to get a lot more light, and it will be much quieter without all the street noise, and people yelling drunk at 2 am. You walk in and there is the kitchen first, which is much bigger and like a real kitchen than the one we have now. It's open to the living room, where there are big windows that face south. To the right is a little hall where to the right is a much better laid out bathroom, and to the left is our bedroom. I AM SO EXCITED TO HAVE A BEDROOM AGAIN. I don't know if I can stress that enough. It's going to feel like a real home. As soon as we checked out the model one, I could see us living in it, see us sharing a life together there. And I knew I wanted it. Wanted that, that life, to share it with Noah.
I'm going to start making and collecting stuff for the burn next year. Making plans for everything, food, camp, people, transport, everything. Maybe I'll buy a little trailer or something. *Spends 15 minutes looking at buses, vans and shuttles on craigslist.org.
What I'm really excited for, however, is to move into Noah and I's new place. I've moved all my stuff to his building, but it's in storage for now. No point in unpacking things I have to move in a week and a half. We're hopefully moving on the 3, at least by the 5. Our new apartment is going to be soooo nice! It's a one bedroom on the 16th floor, so we have a view of downtown. I feel like we're going to get a lot more light, and it will be much quieter without all the street noise, and people yelling drunk at 2 am. You walk in and there is the kitchen first, which is much bigger and like a real kitchen than the one we have now. It's open to the living room, where there are big windows that face south. To the right is a little hall where to the right is a much better laid out bathroom, and to the left is our bedroom. I AM SO EXCITED TO HAVE A BEDROOM AGAIN. I don't know if I can stress that enough. It's going to feel like a real home. As soon as we checked out the model one, I could see us living in it, see us sharing a life together there. And I knew I wanted it. Wanted that, that life, to share it with Noah.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
I miss you, Haymarket
I was reading April's blog today, which I do in moments of nostalgia, and it made me very homesick for Haymarket. I say homesick because the co-op will always be my home. I feel like if everything in my life went down the shitter, I would always be welcomed back into the house. It would be my sanctuary from life.
For now, I will have to quell my homesickness with visits, visits that I can almost afford now! Noah and I are planning to visit his mom in Rhode Island sometime this fall, and I'd like to stop in Chicago too, you know, to introduce Noah to the family :)
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Life can get better....and throw you a couple twists
In my last post I said that life couldn't get any better. Then I remembered, of course it can. And I was right.
You know that 2 day outdoor psytrance party I spoke of last time? Well, it ended up being the beginning of something I don't even know how to describe yet, other than that I met this amazing guy named Noah, and we've happily spent pretty much every day together since the party.
It's funny how when you take a step to change things, you allow your life to happen.
And I got fired from the glass studio. Shocker! I've never been fired from any job in my life! I got really sick, stomach problems, dehydration, low blood pressure, orthostatic hypotension. I was pretty unhealthy for a minute but feeling great again now! As for work, I'm serving at a sushi place in belltown 2 blocks from Noah's place. Can you say convenient?
Okay, update done, for now :)
You know that 2 day outdoor psytrance party I spoke of last time? Well, it ended up being the beginning of something I don't even know how to describe yet, other than that I met this amazing guy named Noah, and we've happily spent pretty much every day together since the party.
It's funny how when you take a step to change things, you allow your life to happen.
And I got fired from the glass studio. Shocker! I've never been fired from any job in my life! I got really sick, stomach problems, dehydration, low blood pressure, orthostatic hypotension. I was pretty unhealthy for a minute but feeling great again now! As for work, I'm serving at a sushi place in belltown 2 blocks from Noah's place. Can you say convenient?
Okay, update done, for now :)
Thursday, May 8, 2008
It's a wonderful life
I got the job in the cast glass studio!! I start on Tuesday :) I'll be starting off making molds and cutting glass, and they're going to teach me everything about cast glass, coldworking, welding and woodworking. Yay! It's my dream job! I will be working at Lundgren Monuments, who do memorials and monuments, architectural glass, and custom work. They're doing things that no one else in the country is doing in cast glass, mostly because it's a "pain in the ass," says the studio manager. I'm so excited! And it's in Fremont, a 10 minute bike ride from my apartment.
My last day of work at Sodexo was yesterday, and now I'm looking forward to a fun-filled 5 day weekend! Tonight is the lovely trance queen Kelly's birthday, and so we're going to celebrate the only way we know how: to dance our asses off! Tomorrow half the crew goes to Armin Van Buren in Portland and the other half of us are going to Prosperity in Wenatchee, a 2 day outdoor psytrance party in the middle of nowhere. Monday will most likely be spent recuperating, and Tuesday I begin my new job! Life can't get any better. Well, of course it can :)
Not to mention the fact that I ended it with my boyfriend. We just weren't right for each other. We didn't have anything in common and there just wasn't a connection. Once I realized that a deeper connection was possible, and that having things in common was probably a good thing in a lasting relationship, I knew what I had to do, and finally, did it. I feel like I let light back into my life again. I feel like I can finally breathe, can finally begin to take the time to create the life I dreamed about living in Seattle. It's beginning to take form, I can see the outlines of the picture, but the shading and colors have yet to be filled in. And that's okay. It takes time to create a work of art, you have to allow the splendor to enter you and consciously seek it and give it back.
My last day of work at Sodexo was yesterday, and now I'm looking forward to a fun-filled 5 day weekend! Tonight is the lovely trance queen Kelly's birthday, and so we're going to celebrate the only way we know how: to dance our asses off! Tomorrow half the crew goes to Armin Van Buren in Portland and the other half of us are going to Prosperity in Wenatchee, a 2 day outdoor psytrance party in the middle of nowhere. Monday will most likely be spent recuperating, and Tuesday I begin my new job! Life can't get any better. Well, of course it can :)
Not to mention the fact that I ended it with my boyfriend. We just weren't right for each other. We didn't have anything in common and there just wasn't a connection. Once I realized that a deeper connection was possible, and that having things in common was probably a good thing in a lasting relationship, I knew what I had to do, and finally, did it. I feel like I let light back into my life again. I feel like I can finally breathe, can finally begin to take the time to create the life I dreamed about living in Seattle. It's beginning to take form, I can see the outlines of the picture, but the shading and colors have yet to be filled in. And that's okay. It takes time to create a work of art, you have to allow the splendor to enter you and consciously seek it and give it back.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Changes!
Wow, it's been months since I've last written! Well. I suppose an update on life is in order.
So I left Chicago at the end of January, right in the dead of winter. My brother flew over to keep my company on the drive back. Little did I know how much of a help he would be to me and my failing car! If it hadn't been for him, I probably would have overheated in the middle of nowhere, engine catching on fire and burning all my worldly possessions. Hey, it could have happened.
We stopped in Omaha, Nebraska the first night, and stayed at a place called Hotel Frank that I found on Couchsurfing.com. Within minutes of my brother and I walking through the door (which they had told us just to walk in, because no one would hear us knocking) we were being whisked off to a Liberty Tax place to dance on the roof (to really bad techno) and my brother was dressed in an Uncle Sam costume. It was great. But way too freaking cold!
The next night we made it to Boulder, Colorado, before my transmission kind of gave out. Luckily, we were with friends. I had met Lincoln at NASCO Institute last fall, and he lived at a co-op in Boulder. It was great staying there, it was affirming to see a co-op just like Haymarket existing and functioning in harmony. God, I miss Haymarket so much right now! I miss having a community of people, always having someone to talk to, and the kitchen. Oh, how i miss the kitchen.
Anyway, we stopped in Snowville, Utah the following night then booked it home the following day. We got back on a Thursday. Friday morning I was job hunting online, and applied for a barista position at amazon.com. I was hired Saturday morning, and I started on Monday. It's been a whirlwind ever since.
I feel like I haven't even been able to take a breath since I've been back. I moved into a sweet little studio in the University District, and I love it. I've been filling it with plants and flowers and I started an herb garden. I live blocks away from a vegan pizza place and a vegan grocery.
Even with all that, I've still been feeling king of down lately. I think it's because I'm beginning to get bored at my job, and it's never good when that happens. I've decided that I need something more fulfilling, meaningful, and challenging. I want to be doing something that I don't know how to do, rather than something I'm overqualified for. So, I'm applying to a non-profit working with homeless youth, a cast glass studio, and I'm trying really, really hard to score a glass blowing apprentice with this shop BLOCKS from my house. That's the one I really want. I've come to realize that I'm never going to get where I want to be in glass unless I am able to really devote lots of time and energy into it EVERY DAY. And that's just not happening right not. But, keep your fingers crossed for me, because I'm hoping all of that will change. Wish me luck!
So I left Chicago at the end of January, right in the dead of winter. My brother flew over to keep my company on the drive back. Little did I know how much of a help he would be to me and my failing car! If it hadn't been for him, I probably would have overheated in the middle of nowhere, engine catching on fire and burning all my worldly possessions. Hey, it could have happened.
We stopped in Omaha, Nebraska the first night, and stayed at a place called Hotel Frank that I found on Couchsurfing.com. Within minutes of my brother and I walking through the door (which they had told us just to walk in, because no one would hear us knocking) we were being whisked off to a Liberty Tax place to dance on the roof (to really bad techno) and my brother was dressed in an Uncle Sam costume. It was great. But way too freaking cold!
The next night we made it to Boulder, Colorado, before my transmission kind of gave out. Luckily, we were with friends. I had met Lincoln at NASCO Institute last fall, and he lived at a co-op in Boulder. It was great staying there, it was affirming to see a co-op just like Haymarket existing and functioning in harmony. God, I miss Haymarket so much right now! I miss having a community of people, always having someone to talk to, and the kitchen. Oh, how i miss the kitchen.
Anyway, we stopped in Snowville, Utah the following night then booked it home the following day. We got back on a Thursday. Friday morning I was job hunting online, and applied for a barista position at amazon.com. I was hired Saturday morning, and I started on Monday. It's been a whirlwind ever since.
I feel like I haven't even been able to take a breath since I've been back. I moved into a sweet little studio in the University District, and I love it. I've been filling it with plants and flowers and I started an herb garden. I live blocks away from a vegan pizza place and a vegan grocery.
Even with all that, I've still been feeling king of down lately. I think it's because I'm beginning to get bored at my job, and it's never good when that happens. I've decided that I need something more fulfilling, meaningful, and challenging. I want to be doing something that I don't know how to do, rather than something I'm overqualified for. So, I'm applying to a non-profit working with homeless youth, a cast glass studio, and I'm trying really, really hard to score a glass blowing apprentice with this shop BLOCKS from my house. That's the one I really want. I've come to realize that I'm never going to get where I want to be in glass unless I am able to really devote lots of time and energy into it EVERY DAY. And that's just not happening right not. But, keep your fingers crossed for me, because I'm hoping all of that will change. Wish me luck!
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Fire pics!!
Here are some of the latest pictures from some fire spinning I did in Washington over the holidays. Photos by Chrissy Menke! You rock, girl!
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
First day of the New Year
Today was an interesting kick-off to the new year.
It began with breakfast at Valois. An experience all in itself, Valois, a Hyde Park breakfast institution, was packed but according to my housemates, was not busy. "On Sundays around 11 am the line is practically out the door," Lauren and Corrigan informed me. At 1 pm on New Years Day, the line went about halfway to the door.
Snaking up to the long counter the only white person behind the counter takes my order. With 7 cooks behind him running back and forth crazily cracking eggs and flipping cakes, I feel pressure to get my order out in as few words and as quickly as possible. "Two eggs over easy bacon hashbrowns," I say. Usually I like cheese and green onions on my hashbrowns-but that's 4 extra words. The guy turns and barks my order at the cooks (all overweight older Hispanic men) with a baseball "hey batter-batter," slang, and in the same breath, looks at the person behind me and says, "Next!"
"Any toast or pancakes?" A woman asks me as I push my cafeteria tray down the counter. I shake my head as she asks me, "Anything to drink?" Oj, please. I push my tray to the register where you pay. "We'll bring water to your table," the cashier says. (It never actually comes...)
Regardless of the hustle bustle craziness, the eggs were awesome, the hashbrowns crisp and golden, and my entire bill under 6 bucks. Can't beat that for a hangover breakfast.
After coming home and vegging out for a couple hours doing, well, nothing, I decided I should go across the street to the apartment I'm watching and walk the dog. I trudge through the snow and up 3 flights of stairs, open the door...and notice the suitcase on the floor. Oops! They were home already....and I didn't clean up yet! Crap. I awkwardly hand them the keys and bounce. Well, at least I'm leaving the state.
Upon returning home, I commenced my taking it easy. I learned about some interesting people/things. Like the Transmission of Affect, a book Lauren told me about. It is a theory that says we project our energy/feelings to others. I also learned about Tuli Kupferberg, a crazy anarcho-author, Kate Bornstein, a transgendered gender theorist and writer of 101 Alternatives to Suicide, a vegan household in Capitol Hill, a cool new writing opportunity, and finally came up with a label for my sexual orientation (i am a lesbian except on special occasion-and most men simply aren't special enough).
Now it's 11:31 pm and the first day of the new year is almost over. It may not have been an entirely productive day, but it was certainly interesting.
It began with breakfast at Valois. An experience all in itself, Valois, a Hyde Park breakfast institution, was packed but according to my housemates, was not busy. "On Sundays around 11 am the line is practically out the door," Lauren and Corrigan informed me. At 1 pm on New Years Day, the line went about halfway to the door.
Snaking up to the long counter the only white person behind the counter takes my order. With 7 cooks behind him running back and forth crazily cracking eggs and flipping cakes, I feel pressure to get my order out in as few words and as quickly as possible. "Two eggs over easy bacon hashbrowns," I say. Usually I like cheese and green onions on my hashbrowns-but that's 4 extra words. The guy turns and barks my order at the cooks (all overweight older Hispanic men) with a baseball "hey batter-batter," slang, and in the same breath, looks at the person behind me and says, "Next!"
"Any toast or pancakes?" A woman asks me as I push my cafeteria tray down the counter. I shake my head as she asks me, "Anything to drink?" Oj, please. I push my tray to the register where you pay. "We'll bring water to your table," the cashier says. (It never actually comes...)
Regardless of the hustle bustle craziness, the eggs were awesome, the hashbrowns crisp and golden, and my entire bill under 6 bucks. Can't beat that for a hangover breakfast.
After coming home and vegging out for a couple hours doing, well, nothing, I decided I should go across the street to the apartment I'm watching and walk the dog. I trudge through the snow and up 3 flights of stairs, open the door...and notice the suitcase on the floor. Oops! They were home already....and I didn't clean up yet! Crap. I awkwardly hand them the keys and bounce. Well, at least I'm leaving the state.
Upon returning home, I commenced my taking it easy. I learned about some interesting people/things. Like the Transmission of Affect, a book Lauren told me about. It is a theory that says we project our energy/feelings to others. I also learned about Tuli Kupferberg, a crazy anarcho-author, Kate Bornstein, a transgendered gender theorist and writer of 101 Alternatives to Suicide, a vegan household in Capitol Hill, a cool new writing opportunity, and finally came up with a label for my sexual orientation (i am a lesbian except on special occasion-and most men simply aren't special enough).
Now it's 11:31 pm and the first day of the new year is almost over. It may not have been an entirely productive day, but it was certainly interesting.
Tuli Kupferberg
My favorite person of the day is Tuli Kupferberg. A contemporary of Kerouac, Kupferberg is a poet, cartoonist, author and anarchist. He wrote 1001 Ways to Beat the Draft in 1967, co-founded the band The Fugs, and is now writing things called I Hate Poems About Poems About Poems, and Teach Yourself Fucking. Anyway, none of these things are the reasons for which Tuli Kupferberg is my favorite person of the day. One reason is that he also wrote 1001 Ways to Live Without Working, on folded sheets of 8 1/2 by 11 paper and sold it on the street himself. But the main reason is this passage out of the prose poem "Memorial Day 1971" written by Ted Berrigan and Anne Waldman:
I asked Tuli Kupferberg once, "Did you really jump off of The Manhattan Bridge?" "Yeah," he said, "I really did." "How come?" I said. "I thought that I had lost the ability to love," Tuli said. "So, I figured I might as well be dead. So, I went one night to the top of The Manhattan Bridge, & after a few minutes, I jumped off." "That's amazing," I said. "Yeah," Tuli said, "but nothing happened. I landed in the water, & I wasn't dead. So I swam ashore, & went home, & took a bath, & went to bed. Nobody even noticed."
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Year in Review
It may be a day or two early, but today I looked through my 2007 planner from beginning to end, and relived the entire year.
In January, I was still living at my parents house. A few months after landing back home from abroad, I was still looking for a job that wasn't in a restaurant. I had applied to numerous administrative jobs with no luck. But finally, at the end of the month, I interviewed for a Night Associate position at Gaffney Funeral Home in Tacoma. And on February 2, I moved into my new apartment located conveniently a half-block behind the funeral home. This "arrangement," free apartment with all utilities included in exchange for working one night a week and one weekend a month fit very well with the rest of my life. The schedule still allowed me to fill in for Tim every now and then at the Greenroom, and by the end of the month I added a couple shifts at the Sunset Grill to supplement my income. Soon, I had lots of money coming in, and barely any money going out! I could afford to buy bookshelves and take a class at Pratt Fine Arts Center and parties and concerts in Seattle all the time. Life was good.
And it continued like this through the end of May. Little notes in my planner allude to little distractions, like on February 17, I scrawled, "Kinetic @ Pacific Science Center," and March 7, "Danny-Gateway to India." That was a blind date with a guy I met on itsjustcoffee.com, a self-proclaimed dating site for nerds (and crunchy granola eating hippies). Danny was great, the date went well, but I just wasn't attracted to him. It was one of the first times I realized that maybe the anatomy was the problem. I think that I was also beginning my addiction to the "L Word" around this time as well, which most certainly prompted this idea.
Scattered repeatedly throughout almost every week were hastily written "Clean Mauso," and "Pratt," reminders. Part of my funeral home job was to clean part of the Tacoma Mortuary and Mausoleum. I had a section of the Mauso to clean once a week. Between my three jobs and my insistence at a social life, this was rarely done on a weekly basis. My Tuesday Intro to Flameworking class at Pratt Fine Arts Center came with free Friday access to the warm glass studio. I made it to Seattle every Friday for a chance to experiment and play with ultra-hot liquefied glass.
Sometime in the beginning of March I was notified that I won a fellowship to the Academy for Alternative Journalism. When I applied in February I never dreamed I would actually get it. Only 10 people were chosen from a national pool of applicants, and they wanted me! I couldn't believe it. So it would appear that I would be spending the summer in Chicago. And that I would have to quit my jobs. All of them.
Sometime in May I bought all second-hand glass blowing equipment and set up a studio in my dad's mostly unused auto shop. Throughout the month of May "blow glass" is scheduled into my days and weeks. I devoted entire days to perfecting my techniques, as well as before, after, and between work. But very soon, it was June, and I was leaving for Chicago. I moved out of the funeral home, and stored all my stuff at my dad's shop. I flew to Chicago on June 15 for a summer fellowship, and was due to move back home in August. Little would I realize as I was boarding the plane that I was flying to what would be my home for the rest of the year.
Once in Chicago, I arrived at Haymarket House, a housing co-op on the southside. My first night also happened to be Kate's last night, as she was leaving for San Francisco in the morning. This kind of thing ensues obligatory partying, and every co-oper, University of Chicago student, and a few hipsters were drinking, smoking, dancing and debating all over Haymarket long into the night. After sitting around an (unlit) fire pit for much of the evening conversing with Germans, Americans born overseas, and a Cuban-African-American Jew, I knew that I had found where I wanted to be. After backpacking through Asia the previous fall and meeting friends from all over the world where instant friendships are created over a drink, I had been craving a more diverse crowd. I wanted to be somewhere that I could meet people from all over the world. I thought that I had to leave the United States to get that, and when I realized that I could have it all in Chicago, I decided then and there that I wasn't going back to the Northwest when the summer was over. I was relocating myself to the Midwest.
I did go back home in August, as the fellowship had purchased my round-trip plane ticket (and I had to pack the rest of my shit). But I didn't stay long. I was home for a mere week before taking off for Burning Man with a friend at the end of the month. I returned from this in early September, and spent a week or so packing and tying up loose ends (such as buying a car to drive my stuff across the country) before hitting the road, solo-style (again) driving 3 days for 15 hours a day to get back to Chicago before my money ran out. Again, as in January, I was broke, unemployed, recently landed from another adventure, but ready for something different.
After playing the same job search game as before, I desperately searched for something not food/beverage related. I very quickly landed a gig transcribing videotaped psychotherapy sessions. When this woman told me that there was traumatic content, I had no idea what I was really getting myself into. I thought, no big deal, I can deal with whatever content she can throw at me. But once the first video opened with her (and only her) talking to a camera (and herself) using three different voices to represent her different parts, I was baffled. And then came the traumatic content. Satanic rituals, memories of being left hanging in a closet until her father would come to molest her, being buried alive, all these painful memories pricked their way inside of me until I began to question my own memories. Thoroughly fucked up after a couple weeks, I stopped doing transcriptions. I just couldn't handle listening to her memories and thoughts any longer.
Soon it was October, and I was out of money. I applied for a job in a downtown coffee house and was offered the job the next day over the phone. A week later I was offered a serving job at a restaurant in my neighborhood. I worked both for a while, leaving the house at 5 am and arriving home past midnight. That obviously didn't last long, and when I quit the Coffee Beanery, I was promoted to Lead Server at Chant.
Chant was great. A brand new Hyde Park restaurant, the chic atmosphere and tasty appetizers (and full bar) set it apart from the abundance of the other take-out and delivery options on 53rd. We had a small staff, and when the restaurant opened we all worked out asses off to make things work. Things were a bit rough in the beginning, but we were doing well, and getting better every day. Until the owner hired an independent consultant to do customer service training with the staff. A tall, insecure African-American woman with a horse-hair weave, bright red lipstick, tight clothes and a faint hint of a lisp, Kimberley arrived on the scene with unknown intentions. She said she was here to do training with the servers, but soon it turned into her organizing events for the restaurant (that inevitably flopped), taking out her control-freak tendencies on the mostly non-English speaking kitchen staff, and generally terrorizing everyone, including the customers. How the owner, a very intelligent and genuinely nice Thai woman, could be so blind to all of this was beyond us, the staff. Kimberley very rudely corrected us in the most condescending manner, and took every opportunity to tell us about her many years of experience in the restaurant industry (whose number changed every time she told us), all the "famous" people she's worked with (none of who we'd ever heard of) and about how we could all be replaced with snap of her fingers. Every day I came to work dreading to see her face. If she was there, I would almost surely have a bad night. I would leave pissed off and angry that someone could speak to me the way that she did, and I would buy a bottle (or two) of wine and drink every last drop. And probably smoke a joint too.
A month of this shit and I had turned into a bitter, bitchy, drunk. I hated my job, and on top of all of that, I was really homesick for the Northwest. I missed going to clubs and concerts and parties with my friends. I missed my friends. I missed the trees, mountains, oceans and lakes. I missed the glass blowing scene of Seattle. I missed the burner community. I missed my best friend. I wanted to practice poi with her and take a glass blowing class and go hiking and kayaking and smoke blunts on the beach. I decided that these things were more important than living far, far away from the town I lived in most of my life, and planned to return to the Northwest as soon as possible. I budgeted that I could pay off my credit card by February and leave the Midwest in March. I thought that I could stick it out at Chant with the crazy martyr bitch, and then I reached my breaking point with Kimberley.
After a heated meeting where Kimberley wouldn't let any of us speak, probably because she knew we wanted to express our concerns and dissatisfaction with her, I sat down with her and the owner. I told Kimberley that the way that she spoke to members of the staff was unacceptable. It was hostile, condescending, and rude. With a sugary sweet demeanor that only appeared when in the owner's presence, she asked for examples. And I gave her some. After numerous examples (all of which she tried to tear down) I told her that the way she was speaking to me right now was the way I always wanted to be spoken to. And the owner said that she couldn't afford for her to speak to me that way! Once they could no longer deny the fact that Kimberley is a bitch who has no business in customer service, the owner actually told me that she thought it was valuable experience for me, as a manager (a title they only used when it suited them, most of the time I was merely Lead Server), to be spoken to in this manner. That I would have to learn to deal with people like Kimberley. So I told them to fuck off. I said fuck your valuable experience, I don't have to put up with this bullshit. And I quit.
Well, not exactly. I pretty much gave up at the meeting, so internally pissed off that I could no longer speak, and ended the meeting. The next day while walking to work, I decided that this restaurant job was simply no longer worth it. I took a serving job because I didn't want to think. I wanted to just go to work and when I left work, I really left it. If I wanted a job that stayed with my 24/7, I would have taken a writing job. So I worked my shift, and at 5 pm when the other manager came to relieve me, I handed her my keys, apologized, and told her that Chant was no longer a place that I saw myself working. She gave me a hug and said, "good for you!" Walking out of there, I'd never felt freer. Free from the bullshit of manipulative people, of blind ownership and people that take the bullshit without complaint.
Now it was days before Christmas and I was again without a job. This time, however, I was very happily unemployed. I went home to Gig Harbor for a week-long X-mas holiday. It was the greatest week! I spent time with friends and family and partied so hard that I'm still recovering. The week only reinforced the feeling that I had to return to the Northwest as soon as possible. My best friend Jessica happened to have a week off in the middle of January, so we made plans for her to fly to Chicago and drive back with me.
After returning to Chicago on December 27, I realized I only had two and a half more weeks of living at Haymarket, of living in Chicago, of living halfway across the country from anything I've ever known. And I grew sad. And still am. But I'm also ecstatically happy to be returning to the place that I didn't realize was home until I left it. So today, on December 30, I have approximately 15 more days of living here. 15 days to clean my shit, pack, ship books home, and all the while, spending quality time with the best housemates that could ever exist, anywhere. Haymarket showed me how to live in a community. It showed me how to learn from each other, how to work together and how great it is to live in such a diverse yet unified place. I became a better cook, learned how to start and run a co-op, be more sustainable and eco-friendly, and was shown how to live by values that I've always held dear but didn't always know how to stand by. I will forever consider Haymarket my home, one of many that I've created for myself around the world.
In January, I was still living at my parents house. A few months after landing back home from abroad, I was still looking for a job that wasn't in a restaurant. I had applied to numerous administrative jobs with no luck. But finally, at the end of the month, I interviewed for a Night Associate position at Gaffney Funeral Home in Tacoma. And on February 2, I moved into my new apartment located conveniently a half-block behind the funeral home. This "arrangement," free apartment with all utilities included in exchange for working one night a week and one weekend a month fit very well with the rest of my life. The schedule still allowed me to fill in for Tim every now and then at the Greenroom, and by the end of the month I added a couple shifts at the Sunset Grill to supplement my income. Soon, I had lots of money coming in, and barely any money going out! I could afford to buy bookshelves and take a class at Pratt Fine Arts Center and parties and concerts in Seattle all the time. Life was good.
And it continued like this through the end of May. Little notes in my planner allude to little distractions, like on February 17, I scrawled, "Kinetic @ Pacific Science Center," and March 7, "Danny-Gateway to India." That was a blind date with a guy I met on itsjustcoffee.com, a self-proclaimed dating site for nerds (and crunchy granola eating hippies). Danny was great, the date went well, but I just wasn't attracted to him. It was one of the first times I realized that maybe the anatomy was the problem. I think that I was also beginning my addiction to the "L Word" around this time as well, which most certainly prompted this idea.
Scattered repeatedly throughout almost every week were hastily written "Clean Mauso," and "Pratt," reminders. Part of my funeral home job was to clean part of the Tacoma Mortuary and Mausoleum. I had a section of the Mauso to clean once a week. Between my three jobs and my insistence at a social life, this was rarely done on a weekly basis. My Tuesday Intro to Flameworking class at Pratt Fine Arts Center came with free Friday access to the warm glass studio. I made it to Seattle every Friday for a chance to experiment and play with ultra-hot liquefied glass.
Sometime in the beginning of March I was notified that I won a fellowship to the Academy for Alternative Journalism. When I applied in February I never dreamed I would actually get it. Only 10 people were chosen from a national pool of applicants, and they wanted me! I couldn't believe it. So it would appear that I would be spending the summer in Chicago. And that I would have to quit my jobs. All of them.
Sometime in May I bought all second-hand glass blowing equipment and set up a studio in my dad's mostly unused auto shop. Throughout the month of May "blow glass" is scheduled into my days and weeks. I devoted entire days to perfecting my techniques, as well as before, after, and between work. But very soon, it was June, and I was leaving for Chicago. I moved out of the funeral home, and stored all my stuff at my dad's shop. I flew to Chicago on June 15 for a summer fellowship, and was due to move back home in August. Little would I realize as I was boarding the plane that I was flying to what would be my home for the rest of the year.
Once in Chicago, I arrived at Haymarket House, a housing co-op on the southside. My first night also happened to be Kate's last night, as she was leaving for San Francisco in the morning. This kind of thing ensues obligatory partying, and every co-oper, University of Chicago student, and a few hipsters were drinking, smoking, dancing and debating all over Haymarket long into the night. After sitting around an (unlit) fire pit for much of the evening conversing with Germans, Americans born overseas, and a Cuban-African-American Jew, I knew that I had found where I wanted to be. After backpacking through Asia the previous fall and meeting friends from all over the world where instant friendships are created over a drink, I had been craving a more diverse crowd. I wanted to be somewhere that I could meet people from all over the world. I thought that I had to leave the United States to get that, and when I realized that I could have it all in Chicago, I decided then and there that I wasn't going back to the Northwest when the summer was over. I was relocating myself to the Midwest.
I did go back home in August, as the fellowship had purchased my round-trip plane ticket (and I had to pack the rest of my shit). But I didn't stay long. I was home for a mere week before taking off for Burning Man with a friend at the end of the month. I returned from this in early September, and spent a week or so packing and tying up loose ends (such as buying a car to drive my stuff across the country) before hitting the road, solo-style (again) driving 3 days for 15 hours a day to get back to Chicago before my money ran out. Again, as in January, I was broke, unemployed, recently landed from another adventure, but ready for something different.
After playing the same job search game as before, I desperately searched for something not food/beverage related. I very quickly landed a gig transcribing videotaped psychotherapy sessions. When this woman told me that there was traumatic content, I had no idea what I was really getting myself into. I thought, no big deal, I can deal with whatever content she can throw at me. But once the first video opened with her (and only her) talking to a camera (and herself) using three different voices to represent her different parts, I was baffled. And then came the traumatic content. Satanic rituals, memories of being left hanging in a closet until her father would come to molest her, being buried alive, all these painful memories pricked their way inside of me until I began to question my own memories. Thoroughly fucked up after a couple weeks, I stopped doing transcriptions. I just couldn't handle listening to her memories and thoughts any longer.
Soon it was October, and I was out of money. I applied for a job in a downtown coffee house and was offered the job the next day over the phone. A week later I was offered a serving job at a restaurant in my neighborhood. I worked both for a while, leaving the house at 5 am and arriving home past midnight. That obviously didn't last long, and when I quit the Coffee Beanery, I was promoted to Lead Server at Chant.
Chant was great. A brand new Hyde Park restaurant, the chic atmosphere and tasty appetizers (and full bar) set it apart from the abundance of the other take-out and delivery options on 53rd. We had a small staff, and when the restaurant opened we all worked out asses off to make things work. Things were a bit rough in the beginning, but we were doing well, and getting better every day. Until the owner hired an independent consultant to do customer service training with the staff. A tall, insecure African-American woman with a horse-hair weave, bright red lipstick, tight clothes and a faint hint of a lisp, Kimberley arrived on the scene with unknown intentions. She said she was here to do training with the servers, but soon it turned into her organizing events for the restaurant (that inevitably flopped), taking out her control-freak tendencies on the mostly non-English speaking kitchen staff, and generally terrorizing everyone, including the customers. How the owner, a very intelligent and genuinely nice Thai woman, could be so blind to all of this was beyond us, the staff. Kimberley very rudely corrected us in the most condescending manner, and took every opportunity to tell us about her many years of experience in the restaurant industry (whose number changed every time she told us), all the "famous" people she's worked with (none of who we'd ever heard of) and about how we could all be replaced with snap of her fingers. Every day I came to work dreading to see her face. If she was there, I would almost surely have a bad night. I would leave pissed off and angry that someone could speak to me the way that she did, and I would buy a bottle (or two) of wine and drink every last drop. And probably smoke a joint too.
A month of this shit and I had turned into a bitter, bitchy, drunk. I hated my job, and on top of all of that, I was really homesick for the Northwest. I missed going to clubs and concerts and parties with my friends. I missed my friends. I missed the trees, mountains, oceans and lakes. I missed the glass blowing scene of Seattle. I missed the burner community. I missed my best friend. I wanted to practice poi with her and take a glass blowing class and go hiking and kayaking and smoke blunts on the beach. I decided that these things were more important than living far, far away from the town I lived in most of my life, and planned to return to the Northwest as soon as possible. I budgeted that I could pay off my credit card by February and leave the Midwest in March. I thought that I could stick it out at Chant with the crazy martyr bitch, and then I reached my breaking point with Kimberley.
After a heated meeting where Kimberley wouldn't let any of us speak, probably because she knew we wanted to express our concerns and dissatisfaction with her, I sat down with her and the owner. I told Kimberley that the way that she spoke to members of the staff was unacceptable. It was hostile, condescending, and rude. With a sugary sweet demeanor that only appeared when in the owner's presence, she asked for examples. And I gave her some. After numerous examples (all of which she tried to tear down) I told her that the way she was speaking to me right now was the way I always wanted to be spoken to. And the owner said that she couldn't afford for her to speak to me that way! Once they could no longer deny the fact that Kimberley is a bitch who has no business in customer service, the owner actually told me that she thought it was valuable experience for me, as a manager (a title they only used when it suited them, most of the time I was merely Lead Server), to be spoken to in this manner. That I would have to learn to deal with people like Kimberley. So I told them to fuck off. I said fuck your valuable experience, I don't have to put up with this bullshit. And I quit.
Well, not exactly. I pretty much gave up at the meeting, so internally pissed off that I could no longer speak, and ended the meeting. The next day while walking to work, I decided that this restaurant job was simply no longer worth it. I took a serving job because I didn't want to think. I wanted to just go to work and when I left work, I really left it. If I wanted a job that stayed with my 24/7, I would have taken a writing job. So I worked my shift, and at 5 pm when the other manager came to relieve me, I handed her my keys, apologized, and told her that Chant was no longer a place that I saw myself working. She gave me a hug and said, "good for you!" Walking out of there, I'd never felt freer. Free from the bullshit of manipulative people, of blind ownership and people that take the bullshit without complaint.
Now it was days before Christmas and I was again without a job. This time, however, I was very happily unemployed. I went home to Gig Harbor for a week-long X-mas holiday. It was the greatest week! I spent time with friends and family and partied so hard that I'm still recovering. The week only reinforced the feeling that I had to return to the Northwest as soon as possible. My best friend Jessica happened to have a week off in the middle of January, so we made plans for her to fly to Chicago and drive back with me.
After returning to Chicago on December 27, I realized I only had two and a half more weeks of living at Haymarket, of living in Chicago, of living halfway across the country from anything I've ever known. And I grew sad. And still am. But I'm also ecstatically happy to be returning to the place that I didn't realize was home until I left it. So today, on December 30, I have approximately 15 more days of living here. 15 days to clean my shit, pack, ship books home, and all the while, spending quality time with the best housemates that could ever exist, anywhere. Haymarket showed me how to live in a community. It showed me how to learn from each other, how to work together and how great it is to live in such a diverse yet unified place. I became a better cook, learned how to start and run a co-op, be more sustainable and eco-friendly, and was shown how to live by values that I've always held dear but didn't always know how to stand by. I will forever consider Haymarket my home, one of many that I've created for myself around the world.
Friday, November 30, 2007
Case of the winter blues
Bah humbug. It's the last day of November, and I sit here wondering where it went. Working, working, working. After I get home from the restaurant, all I want to do is relax, and I tend to do so with a bottle of wine. Or it's 2 am when I get home and all I want to do is sleep. I feel like I don't have a life anymore. And the blessing and the curse is that I live at Haymarket, where a life isn't really necessary. I have 13 other people in the house to amuse me. I love living here, I love my housemates, but....I miss my friends. I miss going out with my friends. I miss dressing up in crazy costumes and going to parties, I miss lake houses and beaches and mountains and Canada and yummy herbs and good, ol' northwest peeps. Lately I've been feeling like I'm living in some self-imposed exile, and I find myself wondering why. Why am I here? What is my purpose? I feel like my purpose was to grow some roots somewhere other than the place I grew up, to learn a bunch about co-ops, and the thing I didn't expect, to have a rekindled passion for activist and non-profit work. But now that I've achieved these things, I feel restless. Bored. Kind of lonely. Sometimes I feel like I'm missing out on stuff back home. And I can't wait to go back! I just want to be surrounded by my friends. Granted, I have friends here, but they are all co-workers or housemates. And that's all fine and dandy, but I need more. I need Jessica and Karen and Alex and Zach and Jack and all the people I've grown closest to over the past 10 years. I miss them, and cannot live without them.
So....I'm leaving Chicago. When? I don't know. Maybe in March? I'm not quite ready to leave, yet. I'd like to pay off more of my credit card while I have a job, since once I leave here I will be unemployed for an indeterminate amount of time. Hopefully it will give me a chance to catch up on my writing and art. You know, I took a mindless job in a restaurant so I would have time for art and writing....and it just doesn't happen as often as I'd like. And, it's getting really effin cold and windy here, neither of which makes for ideal conditions for spinning fire (outside) or blowing glass (in the shed with the door open for ventilation). So here I sit, in the common room, doing random board stuff and trying to figure out why I feel so lonely and what I'm doing in Chicago, so far away from my family and friends. Am I just causing myself unnecessary pain? Most people who hail from faraway lands that are living in Chicago are doing so for a reason. School usually, for others, it could be the blues scene. For me, it was the lure of the city energy, the diversity, the co-op. But there are other co-ops! In Washington even! And, now I feel confident enough to start my own.
I would leave Chicago right now, except for that I want to pay off more of my credit card, and I still have to find someone to take over my lease, which runs through August.
Now the question is, will coming back to Washington for a while take care of this lonely feeling? Or will it bring up old feelings of restlessness and being trapped? I seem to remember last time I lived in Washington, all I wanted to do is leave it. Now, let's get one thing straight here. I am not moving back to Washington. I am going to come back and visit for a month or so, then head on to New Orleans, and at some point in the near future, Portland. I've been planning on Portland for a while now, and I do believe that it's time. I think that I had to do this midwest thing so I could appreciate just how wonderful and amazing the pacific northwest really is. And especially Portland. It's within a days drive of all my family and friends, and it's (hopefully) far enough away from my hometown to make me feel like I've escaped.
So....I'm leaving Chicago. When? I don't know. Maybe in March? I'm not quite ready to leave, yet. I'd like to pay off more of my credit card while I have a job, since once I leave here I will be unemployed for an indeterminate amount of time. Hopefully it will give me a chance to catch up on my writing and art. You know, I took a mindless job in a restaurant so I would have time for art and writing....and it just doesn't happen as often as I'd like. And, it's getting really effin cold and windy here, neither of which makes for ideal conditions for spinning fire (outside) or blowing glass (in the shed with the door open for ventilation). So here I sit, in the common room, doing random board stuff and trying to figure out why I feel so lonely and what I'm doing in Chicago, so far away from my family and friends. Am I just causing myself unnecessary pain? Most people who hail from faraway lands that are living in Chicago are doing so for a reason. School usually, for others, it could be the blues scene. For me, it was the lure of the city energy, the diversity, the co-op. But there are other co-ops! In Washington even! And, now I feel confident enough to start my own.
I would leave Chicago right now, except for that I want to pay off more of my credit card, and I still have to find someone to take over my lease, which runs through August.
Now the question is, will coming back to Washington for a while take care of this lonely feeling? Or will it bring up old feelings of restlessness and being trapped? I seem to remember last time I lived in Washington, all I wanted to do is leave it. Now, let's get one thing straight here. I am not moving back to Washington. I am going to come back and visit for a month or so, then head on to New Orleans, and at some point in the near future, Portland. I've been planning on Portland for a while now, and I do believe that it's time. I think that I had to do this midwest thing so I could appreciate just how wonderful and amazing the pacific northwest really is. And especially Portland. It's within a days drive of all my family and friends, and it's (hopefully) far enough away from my hometown to make me feel like I've escaped.
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